Not a movie soundtrack that plays sad songs while I stare dramatically out of rainy windows, but a long trail of significant songs marking seasons of my life. "Hey, Soul Sister" by Train? Irrevocably linked to my best childhood friend, Kirsten. I'll never hear "Maps" by Maroon 5 without being transported to country car rides in South Dakota with the pop radio station that seemed to play the same 5 songs on repeat. The country classic"Wagon Wheel" will always sound the same way it did when picked out on an acoustic guitar by my first college crush. And "Strong Enough" by Matthew West will always bring me back to the day I hit rock bottom.
Have you ever gone through a period in your life when you felt entirely powerless? I remember the identity crisis of my 14th summer, 3 months into my family's move to a rural area in South Dakota. Culture shock, loneliness, and lifestyle change thrown at a previously confident and accomplished teenager resulted in a confused, terrified little girl.
At first I was frustrated and angry. All the things I loved seemed to be torn away. I missed my friends and I missed my busy, bustling life. But under the irritation lay deep fear. And the day I finally acknowledged and felt that fear...I felt like it might consume me.
I had no idea what the next years of my life would look like. I didn't know if I would ever fit in or ever be accepted. I knew I didn't have the same academic and creative opportunities that I had before...would I be hindered going into college? I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know who I was. All the things that had defined me and given me confidence - popularity, academic achievements - were torn away and I had nothing.
The worst part? I had absolutely no control over any of it.
My whole life I had believed that if I could just do enough I would be fine. If I just kept overachieving in school and bubbling my way through social situations and being a good Christian girl, that was enough. I would just keep nailing the impossible standard of perfection that I held myself to, and life would turn out perfectly. Hitting that line had become my identity - it was who I was.
Until everything changed, and somehow hitting that impossible line still wasn't enough.
And sitting at a dining room table in a house in the middle of the prairie, "Strong Enough" by Matthew West came on Spotify.
"You must/You must think I'm strong/To give me what I'm going through/Well, forgive me/Forgive me if I'm wrong/But this looks like more than I can do/On my own."
The words seemed like they were coming straight from inside of me.
"I know I'm not strong enough to be/Everything that I'm supposed to be/I give up/I'm not strong enough/Hands of mercy won't you cover me/Lord right now I'm asking you to be/Strong enough/For the both of us"
And that is the moment that I officially gave up.
I realized that no matter how much I did or how successful I was I would never please everyone and I would never be strong enough to control every circumstance. It was one of the first times in my life that the heartbreak was strong enough that I could feel actual pain in my chest. And that is the moment that I first experienced freedom. Mixed into the heartbreak was joy.
We've all gone through times when those song lyrics above seem to describe our lives. When we feel like nothing that we do will ever be enough. The usual encouragement from well meaning Christian brothers and sisters is "It's ok! You're enough, just the way you are."
Every moment of insufficiency in my life up until that summer in South Dakota had been answered with an immediate rebuttal. "NO! You ARE enough! You've got this! You can do this!" Never before until that summer had I ever had time to sit at rock bottom and bathe in the feeling of not being enough.
The truth? No one ever really believes in their heart that they are enough. That's why they have to keep being reminded. That's why we keep trying to convince each other that our best efforts have made us sufficient and complete. Deep down we know it's not true.
Without God in the equation, this realization of not being "enough" traps us in a cycle of feeling inadequate and always trying to be better, do better, seem better. But with God? It brings release. When realized in the light of God's sufficiency, the knowledge of the ineptitude of our human efforts brings freedom, not slavery.
We were never meant to be enough. We do not have to be enough. That's why God sent Jesus in the first place, friends! You are not perfect; I am not perfect. However; Jesus IS perfect. And He has called us His.
Because of Jesus we are enough in the eyes of God. Blameless, perfect, sufficient. We don't have to please everyone or be the highest achiever. We are not in control; God is. Knowing that we are in His capable hands becomes enough.
The encouragement I have to offer you today is not one you have heard often. My friend, you are not enough. Not on your own. But the Lord of heaven and earth IS enough, and He loves you in a way that is incomprehensible. Through Him we are empowered to do incredible things and overcome towering challenges. He will always be enough, and being wrapped in His hold will always prove sufficient for anything life brings our way.
"Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit..." 2 Corinthians 3:4-6a
